Julie

I’m back. Maybe. It’s been a while. Lots of life and I guess different things came into the space I used to blog with. But tonight I wondered if writing might bring some healing.

There’s no way to re-cap the last 2 years here. But tonight I’m sitting here remembering one of the most surprising events of my life thus far.

Last year on this night, my brothers Joe and Kevin and I were around my sister Julie’s hospice bed, even as I type that right there, I can’t believe it’s true. But it is. We were coming to grips with the fact that although Julie was the most determined, competitive, full of life, never, ever quit anything in her life girl, she was losing a battle she had only begun to fight. How does a person come to  grips with this type of loss.

You don’t.

Your mind kind of shuts down, you’re busy doing the next thing, yet, it creeps in that you don’t know how to do this,

 how do you do this?

I remember sitting around her bed listening to songs, we each shared some that had become meaningful to us during Julie’s 4 ½ month illness with cancer. We shared as our phones played lines that spoke of God being with us, holding us, going before.

One song that I loved sent to me by my son Nate earlier in the journey spoke to me many times and that night especially. Here are the words and a link if you have time to take a listen.

He is with us. Love and the Outcome

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us

 

So my sister Julie went to live in her eternal home in the night. That time of worship around her bed with our brothers has become quite sacred to me. I am not sure if I’ve learned a lot this past year. But I can tell you with absolute certainty these three things. There are more…but for tonight these three!

God is with us…He never left us, in fact I’ve learned more about Him, I’ve experienced more of Him, maybe that’s a better way to express it!

Though it might hurt now, we won’t be ruined. We are not ruined, not even close. We’re hurting, no doubt about it. Julie was a life that loved deeply. We hurt! But we are not ruined, we are learning to live a new way in so many ways, life is so much more precious.

God doesn’t need me to understand to accomplish His work in my life. It’s okay if I don’t “get it.” What a relief, because I don’t.  But He’s been faithful all the same; none of it depends on me. I am practicing walking by faith, not by sight.

Julie was a gift and she still is, I suspect that as I navigate the rest of my life here on earth without her, her absence will draw me closer to Jesus. That’s my prayer, anyway. I don’t expect understanding, just deeper relationship.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

So tonight I’m holding to a promise.

I know Him.

He’s always true to His word.

I’ve got an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison!

Amen!

Legacy

Yesterday, Kent and I were able to take a walk and part of our conversation came around to the word legacy. The reason for that is we are mourning with our friends the loss of their daughter, Carol. She met Jesus face to face on August 31 after a week-long hospital stay after an ATV accident. Carol touched our family in a variety of ways,  she was friend, babysitter, photographer, vacation-nanny, and supper-maker (she worked at our local Mancino's and had mastered all of their creations.)

So at 26 years old, Carol has left a legacy.

We have shared stories together as a family, Carol stories. They make us laugh. Carol was truly a one-of-a-kind.

Just tonight, one of my kids was commenting that with Carol, they always knew she cared about them. I would like that to be a part of my legacy.

 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!

Romans 11:33

I am struck once again how I cannot understand God's ways or figure out his paths. His word tells me to stop trying, because they are beyond tracing out. But His word also tells me that He loves, He cares, He created and most importantly for me, He knows, and He knew.



For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

I realize that when God created us, death wasn't part of the creation.

 Sin brought that.

Death feels wrong to me.

It was meant to.

I was created for so much more

and so was Carol.

There is a song at the end of one of the narnia movies, it is a beautiful reminder of what we were created for ...

sonship, daughters and sons of the King!

"There's a place for us"


We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe
It's written in the stars that shine above
A world where you and I belong where, faith and love will keep us strong
Exactly who we are is just enough
There's a place for us

When the water meets the sky
Where your heart is free and hope comes back to life
When these broken hands are whole again
We'll find what we've been waiting for, we were made for so much more
Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end


Today, Carol makes me long for heaven.

For home!

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis

Wherever I go? Wherever I go!!

In the last week a lot of life has swirled around me.

• Trent arrived home to cheers, balloons and hugs.
• I waved goodbye to my friend Jennifer with smiles, tears and hugs.
• Today I'm facing the giant

It seems on many levels that Isaiah is the healthiest kid in our house. I know I take him to specialist appointments (4 last year), but he went from physical to physical with no need for any intervention.

I forget his body is fighting a giant.

We give him a shot every night, to maximize his growth, but that has become so routine and it's just part of life. Every 4 months he needs a blood draw to monitor his levels, but we just do it and...

I forget his body is struggling in ways mine doesn't.

When I see him running around, playing with his siblings, swimming, jumping, doing every thing that every little boy does. I even forget that his hands are different. He's Isaiah, those are his hands.

I forget his body looks different and has been imprinted by the giant.

So all this to say on most days we are just doing life, minding our own business, enjoying every moment to the fullest. Trying to be like Isaiah!

But once a year we have to come face to face with the giant. In order to watch and monitor in the way that Isaiah needs it. We travel to Minnesota where he receives a bone marrow biopsy. We meet with his team of doctors and always learn more about the disease and get a closer picture of the foe.

It's surreal. Most of the time I don't give this diagnosis the time of day, but once a year we have to look deeper.

Kent and I were on a date last night and he asked me how are you feeling about Isaiah's appointment. I smiled and  said, "I'm not worried, I mean he's the healthiest kid in our house, but I guess sometimes I wonder, how will the time come when we realize it's time to take action. Time for the transplant. Will we go to an appointment and get the results that their is something going on in his marrow that requires us to prepare for the transplant."

We talked about it and agreed God is the One who knows those details and we can trust Him to provide for us on that day.

So as I reflect on my next few days.  From Monday morning around 7 until Wednesday morning around 7. Isaiah, Spencer and I will ride the S.S. Badger twice, rent a car and drive 10 hours. Kent will be flying. Isaiah will have his bone marrow biopsy at 10:00 Michigan time on Tuesday, we will meet with 3 doctors and hear any pertinent news on the giant.

I want to respond properly to these emotions and feelings and knowledge. So I reflect on what God has been saying in His word. I've seen this verse recently at least 3 times.

Joshua 1:9

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

This morning as I think on this verse...it's the wherever you go that is especially blinking boldly for me. Wherever I go. Wow do I love that promise. I've got a lot of places to go this week, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But wherever I go the one who defeats every giant is with me, and he knows that on occassion I need the gentle or not so gentle reminder that because He is with me, fear and dismay are not part of our arsenal.

He is all that I need and while I am at it, I need to make sure that Isaiah, Spencer and Will can observe in my life that I believe that with my whole heart, soul and mind.

Fall apart!

Thursday morning, I had a moment.

Funny thing is, it’s rarely the BIG things in life that bring me to the end of me. It’s the 37^th little thing in a morning that causes a chink in the armor.

Scheduling has never been a natural strong suit of mine. I also married someone who prefers to pack the calendar to the fullest. So together we are a great combination as long as you both have the energy and stamina to “run the course”. I think I am improving in checking things out with God, but I know when I am starting to feel overwhelmed, stressed, like I can’t find enough chocolate to satisfy…quite possibly I’m running on my schedule again and have over stepped a healthy perspective regarding activities.

So last Thursday, the wheels were starting to come off the cart, and literally it was over nothing. I was waiting for one child to return from a lesson and the communication wasn’t clear on this matter. I needed to go pick another child up from the pig barn. So I ended up leaving the house to do a quick pig barn run, hoping that the other child wouldn’t be dropped off, assuming we were home and left there alone. (This child is one who tears up easily and loves drama, being treated like a princess and always has her stuff in a row, she’s 6.)

On my way to the pig barn, I was thinking and what I was thinking was…

                I’m done…

                                I’m ready for a down day…frankly maybe just a down 15 minutes…

                                                Why do I always find myself in this kind of fix…

                                                                                These were all good things….

I’m going to turn on the radio and look for a word of encouragement…

This is when I figured out one more time, that God enjoys speaking through songs.  I clicked on the radio and these were the first words I heard..

“How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

…and that’s when the tears came. Seriously, I wasn’t sobbing, there were children in the car and that tends to frighten them. But I knew I was a casualty to my own set of plans. But what was so sweet about the words of that song, was once again, knowing God’s mercy. He knew how I’d gotten to this point, but He was letting me know that even there, especially there, He was going to start something new.

Here is the full song by Josh Wilson that I continued to listen to that morning:

Why in the world did I think I could

Only get to know You when my life was good?

When everything just falls in place

The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand

We got nothing to bring but empty hands

Nothing to hide and nothing to prove

Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

I don't know how long this will last

I'm praying for the pain to pass

But maybe this is the best thing

That has ever happened to me

So Thursday, was a great day in a different way than I planned.   He wasn’t finished speaking, because later that afternoon I picked up a magazine while I was fulfilling my life guard duties at the pool. The title was, “Getting off the Hamster Wheel”.  A quote by Dr. Kevin Lehman resonated with my listening heart that day.

“Keeping your child off the activity wheel and focused on your home and values builds in your child a strong character, a foundation of belonging, and a very high chance that he or she will grow into a healthy, caring and mature adult. Now that’s a distinct advantage that lasts a lifetime.”   --It’s Your Kid, Not a Gerbil

I am grateful that God meets me in my failures and foibles and that He shows me a path for moving on and up!

I am grateful for those times when I come to the end of me!

I am grateful for pools, parks, summer, fun, Bible study, dr. appointments, art class, pig barn chores, gardens,the child training Bible , weeds, children and llllllaundry (there I said it) because sometimes, all of these great things actually bring me to the end of me, and that can be a great place to start!

Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint

Battle

Today was a busy day, but in spite of the activity or actually because of it God gave me a living example of what's really important. I'm used to a variety of those life lessons coming through children. Most of the time they are mine. But today was different today, I met Katie.

I had left my house at 10:00 this morning dropping one boy off to farm with Kent. 3 kids to Grandma at the lake and 1 was with my dad helping to assist in the moving day at my parent's house. That left me with two and we made tracks.

Around 2:30 this afternoon after we had been to Muskegon for 1 appointment and made a mad dash for Grand Rapids for another. We had been at Isaiah's hemotologist appointment for an hour and a half. Isaiah and I  were escorted to the play room while we waited for his blood results and some other papers to link his health care providers together. I was playing with Isaiah when a little girl came bounding up to us.

"Hi," she blurted out, "my name is Katie!"

Katie was dressed in a pink plaid dress, pink tights, and for added flair she had a multi colored tu-tu around her waist and was sporting a pair of those plastic, dress up shoes that clip-clop when you walk.

"Hi, Katie," I grinned at her, "I loooovvvveee your shoes, they are so sparkly."

"Thank you," she beemed. "How old is he?" she inquired as she looked at Isaiah.

"He's 5" I replied, "How old are you?"

"I'm 4, " was her swift reply.  "Can I play with him?"

"Sure, that would be so great, wouldn't it Isaiah?" they both smiled at each other.

Katie sat down and then she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, framed by her sweet curls and she stopped my breath with her next statment.

"I am done with my chemo for today?" she said so happily.

"Wow, Katie, that's great, how did it go?" I asked as I wanted to cry.

"It went great." as she looked down concentrating on the game she and Isaiah were playing.

Katie's mom entered the play room  and was occupied with getting her things together, I imagined it had been a long day for them. She got out Katie's real shoes and asked her to put them on. Katie put up a bit of a fuss.

"But, mom I just started to play with Isaiah." she pleaded.

Another health care provider entered the room and was talking with Katie's mom and said she was sorry, but she didn't have Katie's count yet.

Katie quipped from the floor, "What's a count?"

The two women kept talking and Isaiah and Katie kept playing. I was an observer trying to understand this scene in front of me.

I was struck by Katie's amazing, little personality that I had known for like 5 minutes. But I was sure delighted with this creature, she had spunk, a beautiful spirit and amazing fashion sense!

I prayed for Katie and her mom as they finished getting ready and left the play room. I prayed that they knew Jesus and that if they did they were both able to display the joyful, peace they had because of all that He was giving to them at this difficult time.

On the way home in the car, I heard the song by Chris August, called Battle.

There's a battle between good and evil
And it's raging inside of me
There's a struggle, it's God and the devil
It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won

There's a snake that's hiding in the garden
There's a beautiful apple tree
There is trouble on the horizon
But I'm claiming victory

Oh no, I'm not giving in now, Oh
Life's a fight of wrong and right
That's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won

Won
Won
Mmmmm
Woooahhhhh
I'm not giving up now
Woooahhhhh
I'm not giving in

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won
Won
Won

I was reminded that although my heart longs for peace, this world is in a battle. But because of the cross the war is already won!!  I prayed for Katie again that she would keep fighting, that God would use that girl for His Kingdom and that she would know she was created not just for this world, but for another, that is far greater and to be enjoyed for so much longer.

 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.” 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

So grateful today, for a girl named Katie, for the picture she was to me of joy in suffering, (she didn't have any idea she was suffering). I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who listens to my questions and wonderings and shows me flashes of heaven here on earth!

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis

It's a root thing!

One of the blessings of being a "city girl" married to a farmer, is that at 43 you can still be amazed at the things any farm kid figured out when they were 5.

For example, last week Kent commented as we were driving out of our driveway.

"Wow, see how green the corn looks? "

I wasn't entirely sure I saw a difference, but said, "Yeah?"  Just so I could hear what was behind the question.

"You can tell the roots have reached the fertilizer." replied the seasoned farmer.

I asked, "What do you mean, it reached the fertilizer?"

"When we plant the corn, the planter places fertilizer two inches under the seed, and when the seed grows and the roots hit the fertilizer, you notice a difference in the plant. It goes from a green/yellow color to a deep green." He explained. (I think he enjoys explaining these kinds of things to a "clueless one".

I found that particular piece of information fascinating. I mean, who thinks this stuff up? Whoever invented the machine that knows where to place the fertilizer to make the plants grow. Genius!!

As I have been pondering this new farm fact, I knew there was a spiritual application for me, there are  probably more than one. But this is the one that came to me today.

On Sunday, Trent shared with our church before his departure for Worldview Academy. www.worldview.org He shared from Psalm 139, and the portion that stood out to Trent is the one that I've thought about since Sunday.

   My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

So when I was "planted" God put the fertilizer within my reach, it would take me growing to reach it, but when I do, I shine forth the evidence of his work in my life. The evidence that, He knew all of my days before one of them came to  be.

I've also realized that the things that make my roots grow deep are quite often the things I am not ready to receive enthusiastically. They are sometimes things that look scary, ugly and uncertain, but then my roots hit the fertilizer. My roots hit the amazing presence of God that was always there, but there is a comfort and growth only He can give and it was there all the time. I just needed to stretch to enjoy this fellowship that came in a dark place.

Take mono for instance, I'm still learning things from that experience. I have no idea why that illness was my daily life for so long, but I don't spend much time thinking about that, because the fellowship that I found, when so much was removed, perhaps caused my roots to hit some new fertilizer. Amazing!!!

James reminded me of the mystery of trials and the outcome that is available to us.

James 1:2-4
 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,    because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.    Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I think if perserverance were a color it would be green. Evidence that the roots are going deep and drinking in all that the Creator intended, so that in the end...nothing is lacking!!

God is so good that way, using my boy's departure and a baby stalk of corn to show me once again how BIG He is, how He has thought of everything!!

Springtime and Harvest!

Spring is one of the busy seasons at the farm. It’s a season of great expectation.

After the long winter, most farmers are itching to get to the land. We work up the soil and prepare it for the seeds.

Then we plant the seeds, and pray for a harvest.

It’s fun to be an observer to this annual event. The more farmers that live in my house the more the excitement grows.

Sometimes things happen that scare the farmer’s wife, an example of that would be the phone call this spring from Trent.

“Mom, has dad called you yet?”

In my head I’m thinking, no, but what happened. “No, why”

(Trent has now been introduced to the proper procedure for telling a mother about close calls. He starts the conversation with, “mom, I’m o.k., but…, )

Trent began telling me how he was driving an open air tractor, and he was pulling a dump cart that was too big for it. As he began descending a hill the dump cart began bouncing and it continued to bounce until it was right beside Trent’s tractor and they both thought going into the ditch was a better place for this new configuration.

It reminded me that my prayer life is essential as we face a season of farming. You never know. But that’s really true for any season.

As I reflect on spring and the expectation of it, I am reminded of my short life on this earth. In the scope of eternity even if we live to be 100, that’s not that long. I want to live a life of great expectation.  A life that shows purpose, faith and a hope that does not fade. This requires for me to walk by faith not by sight.

2 Corinthians 4

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal!

When Kent prepares a field for seeds, there is a time of waiting where our eye cannot detect anything going on. But there is!! It’s actually an amazing miracle, God has designed a seed to burst forth with new life, and that life comes forth from the moisture He has given or allows us to give, and the sunshine that He shines down. Every field is a miracle, a reminder of let go and watch God!

I don’t mean to minimize what the farmer does or his sons, but I know they are very aware that with all they can do and the technology that has improved their ability to farm the land, God determines our harvest.

It’s that way for us too, in this life sometimes a step God is asking us to take makes sense and sometimes it doesn’t. But when I can remember that all God wants is my obedience, “Kim, just drop in the seed.” I can leave the harvest to Him.

I cannot wait to see what God is going to do with the harvest this year on the farm. I cannot wait to laugh and perhaps cry through some of the trials and opportunities that may arise between now and then.  But beyond that, I am confident that my mind cannot even comprehend the incredible harvest that He has in mind as I pursue Him and seek to find joy in this journey He has laid before me.

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.

1 Corinthians 2:9

Thanks once again God for being so BIG and surprising me with your infinite Greatness and Goodness.

No turning back, no turning back!!

Victoria Ana...Surprise with brown eyes!!

Turns out with all of the birthdays in March and April, my posts are just re-living the amazing way God has created our family. Tomorrow is Victoria Ana's 6th birthday. Her's is a God-story of immense proportions.



Kent and I were vacationing with our family in Florida at my parents' home,

when we received a call from back home. One of the seasonal workers had contacted the farm and wanted us to adopt her un-born child. She was due in 2 weeks. At this time in our family we had six children. We were surprised, to say the least, but felt that we could at least walk Ana through this difficult time for her and maybe help her find a family for her child. She had an ultra sound that said she was carrying a girl.

I was already dreaming of pink bows and ribbons and curls. But the sensible one of our team was doing a better job of waiting and seeing if this is what God had for us.

We contacted a social worker at Bethany Christian Services and began the process of trying to find some help for Ana. About a week later I met Ana for the first time. I was going to pick her up and we would go to the Bethany Office together, she would have an opportunity to meet with a translator and social worker and we could find out how best to help her.

I was so nervous walking up to the door to knock and inquire if this was the right house. When the door opened it was obvious I was. Initially I was struck with how beautiful this young woman was, she had deep brown eyes, and amazing curly hair that hung just below her shoulders. I wanted to cry. I had dealt with two birth moms before, but I had never met one face to face. When God created mothers, His intention was that the bond between her and her child would never be broken. Although I was excited about the possibility of a beautiful, brown eyed girl, my heart ached for this woman standing before me.

We went to our appointment and as we left the social worker said. "Ana knows exactly what she wants, she wants your family to adopt her baby, she wants you to be in the delivery and she wants the baby to go right home to your house."

We got busy, we needed to update our home study and deal with a couple of other stacks of papers, but God had already planned for Ana to go overdue with Victoria. So when labor began the papers were completed.

Victoria's birth was unique. I was with Ana at the hospital, neither of us could speak the others language. For parts of the labor we had a translator, but for most of the difficult parts we did not. My heart hurt for her as she longed for her mother and would cry out for her. At some point during the labor she began to cry for me. I did my best to comfort her and help her through the delivery process. Victoria Ana was born in the wee hours of the morning on April 22, 2006. She took my breath away. I was so proud of Ana. I so wished I could talk with her.

We spent the next 2 days at the hospital. I was given a separate room and would check in on Ana and see if she needed anything. One night we were able to call a number provided by the hospital where a translator could help us talk to each other. Ana thanked me over and over again for adopting her precious girl. I wept.

I loved Victoria, but I was realizing I loved Ana too and so wanted to help her and find a way to make her life better.

On the morning of April 24th it was time to go home. It was a very difficult parting, one that neither Kent or I were prepared for. Just before the appointed time to leave I went to Ana's room and I saw her kissing Victoria's feet. I walked away as tears were streaming down my face.

How on earth could I complete this task before me. It was so gut-wrenching. I guess I thought that somehow if we were doing the right thing, the God-thing that He would make it feel all right. But it wasn't. We were able to give Ana a bracelet and a book of pictures of Victoria and then we left in separate cars. We were crying all the way home. We had one of the most beautiful gifts we had ever been given and yet, there was a brokenness involved in that great gift.

As we paused at the end of driveway, we realized that God had brought us this far and He would provide us with all we needed to take the next step. We were able to go inside where the happy throng greeted us with pure exhileration at another Karnemaat to join the ranks.

Victoria Ana, you are such a blessing, God has an amazing plan for your life, just look at the way in which He orchestrated your entrance. You were so loved by so many, and you were such a perfect fit for our family.

 God always has the best ideas and your life has changed mine in ways I cannot express. Thanks for being our sweet, little princess with just the right amount of spice to keep us hopping!

Happy Birthday, Victoria!! You were such a gift to us, I thank my God for you everyday!!

Spencer Troy...one of the best surprises, EVER!

Tomorrow we celebrate Spencer’s 11^th birthday, as we are awaiting the celebration of another birth. Jordan and Nate are expecting baby #2 any day. Spencer has been praying to share a birthday, so we will see what God has in mind.

As I was thinking back to Spencer’s exciting arrival, I was reminded that he was one of God’s best surprises. I was standing at the sink in my parents’ house looking out at the lake and thinking. Why wasn’t I feeling good? I almost felt flu-like. I was concerned because we were traveling the next week to Guatemala to pick up Hope Olivia and bring her home to join her almost 2 year old sister from the same country. But what was this nagging nausea about.

A light bulb went on and I became aware of the possibility of a Spencer.

 I called Kent, he suggested we buy a test and see if that would shed light on the situation.

It did.

I passed.

I’d failed plenty of those tests, but passing, WOW I was so excited. I hadn’t let the reality of going from 3 kids to 5 in less than 9 months deter my enthusiasm. I also didn’t factor in that when Spencer would be born I would have a 2 year old, 1 year old and a new born. 

Kent came home from work and I showed him the evidence of a Spencer.  The reality of what I described above was a reality to Kent and he told me with frank honesty.

“Kim, I am really excited for you. I am just going to need a couple of days and I will get there too!”

He did.

We traveled to Guatemala, keeping Spencer a secret.

As we arrived home in Grand Rapids to an airport full of family and friends welcoming  sweet Hope!

We were both excited and grateful for a Spencer!

As things go for our pregnancies, the vomiting began the night we arrived home. God had allowed Guatemala to happen without that portion beginning and I was grateful.  So on Labor Day Weekend we shared the secret of Spencer with our family.

They were surprised too!

The verse that God gave to me during the waiting for Spencer was this:

Ephesians 3: 20-21

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I can imagine a lot. But God did immeasurable more than I could imagine. I never imagined a Spencer.

He is still surprising me.  I love the part that it is to His glory that He chooses to surprise us.

Spencer, my boy, I don’t know what great things God has planned for you. I do know that I couldn’t possibly imagine them. I do know that it is immeasurable more than anything you or I could even think of. All I know is you were all God’s idea and you have been one of the best gifts I was ever entrusted with.

So Happy Birthday thanks for reminding me daily about what an awesome God I have.

Lessons from my firstborn!

March 8^th is a great day in our house.

We celebrate 2 birthdays.

Nathan was born on March 8, 1990 and Hope was born on March 8, 2000.

What a great day!

Nathan will turn 22 this year and he is about to welcome his 2^nd child into their family.

This is amazing to me on many levels.  Nate is one of the greatest dads I’ve ever met. It is quite obvious when I see his interaction with Joel, Mr. Joel agrees with my assessment.

Nathan was a baby prayed for and longed for. It took some time and when we finally knew he was coming we were so excited. We were ill-prepared most likely, but in God’s great time and His great way, Nathan arrived. 

There are several things I’ve learned from Nate.

Enjoy the details. Nate usually notices these and finds a fascination that most people don’t realize. It’s amusing and amazing to be a witness to his observations.

Nate was our practice kid, everyone has one and usually it is your first one. His personality was perfect to practice on, ‘cause he’s pretty resilient and forgiving. He’s oh so forgiving.

Nate showed me how to love a massive group of siblings, finding each one unique and finding ways to involve himself in relationships with each of them. He showed me how to watch and learn and then act and make a little person’s whole world light up!

Nathan and Trent ready for war!

  Demonstrating for Will and Victoria the proper way to ride the BIG WHEEL!!

I’ve also observed in Nate the ability to wait patiently on God. This is a lesson that I’ve failed many times, yet when I observe Nate I admire his surrender and ability to allow God the opportunity to work in His life, in His time!

I am so grateful to know Nathan Karnemaat.

When I realize I’ve been privileged to be his mom, I’m brought to my knees in gratitude for God’s great providence and love in granting such a gift to me.

Happy Birthday, Nate, you continue to show me so much by your life and the way you follow Him. You captured my heart 22 years ago today and I’ve never been the same since. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I love you, Nate, happy birthday!