Fall apart!

Thursday morning, I had a moment.

Funny thing is, it’s rarely the BIG things in life that bring me to the end of me. It’s the 37^th little thing in a morning that causes a chink in the armor.

Scheduling has never been a natural strong suit of mine. I also married someone who prefers to pack the calendar to the fullest. So together we are a great combination as long as you both have the energy and stamina to “run the course”. I think I am improving in checking things out with God, but I know when I am starting to feel overwhelmed, stressed, like I can’t find enough chocolate to satisfy…quite possibly I’m running on my schedule again and have over stepped a healthy perspective regarding activities.

So last Thursday, the wheels were starting to come off the cart, and literally it was over nothing. I was waiting for one child to return from a lesson and the communication wasn’t clear on this matter. I needed to go pick another child up from the pig barn. So I ended up leaving the house to do a quick pig barn run, hoping that the other child wouldn’t be dropped off, assuming we were home and left there alone. (This child is one who tears up easily and loves drama, being treated like a princess and always has her stuff in a row, she’s 6.)

On my way to the pig barn, I was thinking and what I was thinking was…

                I’m done…

                                I’m ready for a down day…frankly maybe just a down 15 minutes…

                                                Why do I always find myself in this kind of fix…

                                                                                These were all good things….

I’m going to turn on the radio and look for a word of encouragement…

This is when I figured out one more time, that God enjoys speaking through songs.  I clicked on the radio and these were the first words I heard..

“How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

…and that’s when the tears came. Seriously, I wasn’t sobbing, there were children in the car and that tends to frighten them. But I knew I was a casualty to my own set of plans. But what was so sweet about the words of that song, was once again, knowing God’s mercy. He knew how I’d gotten to this point, but He was letting me know that even there, especially there, He was going to start something new.

Here is the full song by Josh Wilson that I continued to listen to that morning:

Why in the world did I think I could

Only get to know You when my life was good?

When everything just falls in place

The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand

We got nothing to bring but empty hands

Nothing to hide and nothing to prove

Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

I don't know how long this will last

I'm praying for the pain to pass

But maybe this is the best thing

That has ever happened to me

So Thursday, was a great day in a different way than I planned.   He wasn’t finished speaking, because later that afternoon I picked up a magazine while I was fulfilling my life guard duties at the pool. The title was, “Getting off the Hamster Wheel”.  A quote by Dr. Kevin Lehman resonated with my listening heart that day.

“Keeping your child off the activity wheel and focused on your home and values builds in your child a strong character, a foundation of belonging, and a very high chance that he or she will grow into a healthy, caring and mature adult. Now that’s a distinct advantage that lasts a lifetime.”   --It’s Your Kid, Not a Gerbil

I am grateful that God meets me in my failures and foibles and that He shows me a path for moving on and up!

I am grateful for those times when I come to the end of me!

I am grateful for pools, parks, summer, fun, Bible study, dr. appointments, art class, pig barn chores, gardens,the child training Bible , weeds, children and llllllaundry (there I said it) because sometimes, all of these great things actually bring me to the end of me, and that can be a great place to start!

Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint