Julie

I’m back. Maybe. It’s been a while. Lots of life and I guess different things came into the space I used to blog with. But tonight I wondered if writing might bring some healing.

There’s no way to re-cap the last 2 years here. But tonight I’m sitting here remembering one of the most surprising events of my life thus far.

Last year on this night, my brothers Joe and Kevin and I were around my sister Julie’s hospice bed, even as I type that right there, I can’t believe it’s true. But it is. We were coming to grips with the fact that although Julie was the most determined, competitive, full of life, never, ever quit anything in her life girl, she was losing a battle she had only begun to fight. How does a person come to  grips with this type of loss.

You don’t.

Your mind kind of shuts down, you’re busy doing the next thing, yet, it creeps in that you don’t know how to do this,

 how do you do this?

I remember sitting around her bed listening to songs, we each shared some that had become meaningful to us during Julie’s 4 ½ month illness with cancer. We shared as our phones played lines that spoke of God being with us, holding us, going before.

One song that I loved sent to me by my son Nate earlier in the journey spoke to me many times and that night especially. Here are the words and a link if you have time to take a listen.

He is with us. Love and the Outcome

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us

 

So my sister Julie went to live in her eternal home in the night. That time of worship around her bed with our brothers has become quite sacred to me. I am not sure if I’ve learned a lot this past year. But I can tell you with absolute certainty these three things. There are more…but for tonight these three!

God is with us…He never left us, in fact I’ve learned more about Him, I’ve experienced more of Him, maybe that’s a better way to express it!

Though it might hurt now, we won’t be ruined. We are not ruined, not even close. We’re hurting, no doubt about it. Julie was a life that loved deeply. We hurt! But we are not ruined, we are learning to live a new way in so many ways, life is so much more precious.

God doesn’t need me to understand to accomplish His work in my life. It’s okay if I don’t “get it.” What a relief, because I don’t.  But He’s been faithful all the same; none of it depends on me. I am practicing walking by faith, not by sight.

Julie was a gift and she still is, I suspect that as I navigate the rest of my life here on earth without her, her absence will draw me closer to Jesus. That’s my prayer, anyway. I don’t expect understanding, just deeper relationship.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

So tonight I’m holding to a promise.

I know Him.

He’s always true to His word.

I’ve got an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison!

Amen!