The Quest!

Today is a wee bit better,

I think…

I want to be careful before declaring restored health, but the sun was shining and the nausea seemed less and when I looked in the mirror the pained look on my face seemed like maybe it was gone.

So I got a little adventurous. (It’s been almost a month, I’ve missed the usual antics.)

Will is 4 and as a baby never was attached to any sort of comfort feature, no thumb, no pacifier, no blankie. When he turned 2 he formed such attachments and they are still going strong. I would find him with his pillow sucking his thumb of all things. Who starts sucking their thumb when they are two? Will does. He was a bit of a fussy child, I would have gladly introduced the pillow and the thumb had I any indication it could bring this measure of soothing.  We have named said pillow, “sucky-thumb pillow”. It’s kind of lengthy but quite descriptive.

So Wednesday, Kent, Trent and Justin left our house to accompany Grace Bible Men’s Basketball to their Regional Tournament. In their haste and clearly not thinking during departure, someone snagged “sucky-thumb pillow”. I would think that anyone who lives in this house and breathes the air in these walls, knows what “sucky thumb pillow” looks like and the need that it is for some.

So yesterday morning, Will began searching for “sucky-thumb pillow”, he was distraught. We lose it often but when we do a full on press, it is found. Well, we couldn’t find it anywhere. He was moaning, “Hope, I just need my pillow, so – so bad!!” Then he found Gillian and started the same song. We looked everywhere. We endured the attempt at a nap without it and then bedtime, oh why haven’t I ordered another robin’s egg blue pillowcase, why do we have just one.

When Kent called last night I had an “aha” moment and inquired at the possibility that “sucky thumb pillow“ may have left with his crew. In fact it had.

AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 But then,

 what’s this?

 The pillow wasn’t in Wisconsin. It was actually in Kent’s truck in Howard City where the bus picked them up. Howard City is only a big half an hour.  So this morning...

It was sunny today,

 I felt like maybe a quest was in order.

Will was on board.

 We left in a blaze of glory. I didn’t have the van, I had Trent’s car, the one that doesn’t have the proper restraining devices required by law for children under 8. We were almost to Newaygo, when Chris Tomlin’s song, Our God came on the radio. I was so busy praising God for just a glimmer of health and the sun and a quest that in my singing loudly “Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God you are higher, than any other….” That my foot must have felt the compulsion to press further down to the floor.  Anywho, I saw this special looking car and glanced at the speedometer, to realize I was violating some of the laws of the land. I quickly asked Will to buckle up, he couldn’t, he’s 4 and he didn’t have the special powers sucky-thumb pillow gives him.

I pulled over as that special car pulled up behind me acting like there was a party going on. Lights flashing…woo hoo!! I resisted the urge to explain that I had been confined to my home for nearly a month, I was on a mission of utmost importance to the return of sleep in our home and that I was praising God for all He had done for me. The officer asked where I was headed,

“Howard City”

“Did you realize you were speeding, ma’am?”

“No, officer, not until I saw your car and then I glanced and saw, yes in fact, I was.”

“So I got your attention?”

“Yes, sir you did!”

“Well, you caught mine as well, you were going quite fast.”

“I am sorry, officer.” I handed over the paperwork and thought, I deserve all of this, but it’s o.k.

While the officer was gone I looked back to check out Will. He had on a pair of snow goggles and he said.

“Am I going to jail?”

Laughing, I said, “No honey, mommy may have to pay some money for breaking several really important rules, but you aren’t going to jail.”

When the officer returned he asked how old the young man was.

“ He’s 4. “, was my sheepish reply.

“You know he needs to be in a booster?”

“Yes, officer I do, I am sorry.”

He sent me off with a warning and to be more cautious.

Sucky thumb pillow was found and retrieved and has brought some peace back to our house.

Upon reflection there is much to be thankful for,

Will and my safety

Mercy

Praise

Adventure

Humor

But most of all I was just so overwhelmed that I had received a tiny slice of my life back. Oh the crazy insanity that I have missed so much. I mean really how is it possible that within 5 miles of my house upon my first venture out I get stopped. Oh yes, that’s how I roll.

                                                        (Will holding sucky thumb pillow)

So I am just thanking God for continuing to reveal to me more of who He is and that sometimes while praising Him, He may choose to bless me in a way that I don’t deserve in any, way, shape or form! He did that today. 

And I am so grateful!!

Bind my wandering heart to thee!

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

 Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

 Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

 Call for songs of loudest praise.

 Teach me some melodious sonnet,

 Sung by flaming tongues above.

 Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

 Mount of Thy redeeming love.

As the days have now turned into weeks, I am looking for new ways to praise God in the midst of the “pause”. I came across this hymn and it’s always been a favorite, but today it seems especially meaningful to me.

I feel like this time of healing and restoring health could actually be described as “tuning my heart to sing thy grace”.  I really thought I knew how to sing of God’s grace, but this season has given me a whole new look at His grace.  I have realized that far too often I have looked at good things as God’s grace.

The completion of an adoption process…God’s grace

The birth of a child…God’s grace

A profitable harvest…God’s grace

Yep God’s grace fits perfectly in the good times, it’s beautiful and I’m happy and I am singing His praises.

But God’ grace today. The weakened vessel who sleeps, sits on the couch, feels like her contribution to her family has dwindled down to a few words of encouragement, perhaps. Is God’s grace here today.

Yes, it is. It looks different to me, but I see it.

Isaiah 43:18-20

“Forget the former things;

   do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

   and streams in the wasteland.

His grace is preparing me for something new. I know it. I can feel it. I am not entirely sure what it is, but I know with certainty that this is part of tuning my heart. As I wait for Him to complete the tuning process I will continue to sing His praises.

O to grace how great a debtor

 Daily I’m constrained to be!

 Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

 Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

 Prone to leave the God I love;

 Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

 Seal it for Thy courts above.

I am so grateful that in the midst of any circumstance God is there, He is at work, He is binding my wandering heart to His. So I will wait, but I will wait with expectancy as I see His grace today.

Everyday.

God’s grace.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world

   C.S. Lewis

Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Progress

I am counting the fact that last night I had a dream about changing the furniture around in my bedroom, as a precursor to the light at the end of the tunnel. Kent thinks I am crazy, it’s only a dream. Hmmm…maybe, but in the dream I was moving furniture. I was MOVING furniture.

Last week we realized the reason I wasn’t bouncing back is that I have mono, and bouncing back is kind of not something you do with mono. You sort of slide back into the land of the living at a snail’s pace, so you can understand my excitement with my dream.

My parents are flying home from Florida to sort of circle the wagons here on the home front. It will be great to see them, but I feel horrible that my plight is cause for their flight. If hopes and dreams and wishes could make me feel better, I would have been well a while ago. Today our house faced the weekly disappointment of missing Bible study, and the sting today was particularly painful, due to the Valentine’s festivities planned. The valentines are all ready and the eyes and hearts are all eager, and the 6:30a.m. march started with,

 “Are you feeling better, Mom?”

“Do you have a fever today?”

“Are you well enough to go to Bible Study?”

I even got breakfast in bed, a tall glass of apple juice, a protein bar and a heart shaped dark chocolate candy.

I realized earlier this week that the thing I struggle with the most when I am well, is the thing I struggle with while I am sick.

The Plan.

I just really need to know how long this affliction will last, at least that is what I tell myself. I only need to know the length of time.

But when I considered that,

 I realized that isn’t true.

 I want to know the plan so that I can negotiate. Perhaps offer God some great big promise of what I will do when health is restored and just maybe He could relent and restore me faster than the Plan, so that I can fulfill all these great things for Him.

I love the words of this song, and the reminder to me of what I do know and what I need to know.

I am not skilled to understand

 What God has willed, what God has planned

 I only know at His right hand

 Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed

 Christ died to save me; this I read

 And in my heart I find a need

 Of Him to be my savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives

 My Savior's always there for me

 My God: He was, my God; He is

 My God is always gonna be,     Aaron Shust

So for today,

I don’t know the plan,

I know the ONE who does,

My Savior’s always there for me

He’s always gonna be!!

This is progress!

Pause button!

There have been many times that I have longed for a pause button. A way to stop, take a moment, breath, have a break from the craziness of life…so that kind of happened this week.

Last week Saturday I noticed a strange achiness in my joints…weird. Even though, those around me were hacking up a lung and spewing lots of germs in the air with each “achoo”. I don’t get sick, it’s in the contract. There isn’t time for it, and I really don’t get sick.

But I did!! I double checked the contract. Yep! No sick days!!

Some of the things that I have learned from this week long “pause” button:

Not everything gets the memo, life still happens and there really isn’t a “pause” button.

I love my life and I miss being able to participate fully, my view from the couch makes me sad on so many levels. Like yesterday, when Will who is 4 said, “Mom, it is sunny out, I think you should go exercise, you would feel sooooooo much better!”

I have a lot to be grateful for. It was only a week ago that I began to count the gifts in my life, I think God’s timing is always perfect and I know with certainty that He knew I would start counting the week I would be “pausing”.

Psalm 46:10

 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I have tried to be available and listen to what God wants me to hear in this “pause” time.

I have been too blasé about my health. Not nearly grateful enough for the days when I can do all that is before me to do. I think that I spend too much time fretting over all that I have to do and miss the joy in just having the ability to do the next right thing.

I’ve also learned that as the days come, don’t wish them away or want a “pause” button. Receive them from the creator of my days!

My view from the couch has given me a new perspective on that, who knew. When God gives me a day I need to receive that as a gift and enjoy all the pieces and parts of that day. Fully present in each moment, ready to hear and see what God is trying to show me through my days.

It reminds me of hymn I remember singing,

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,

I've no cause for worry or for fear.

He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best,

Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,

He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"

This the pledge to me He made

Help me then, in every tribulation,

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,

Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a father's hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land.

I love that line that says, “one by one, the days the moments fleeting”

…they are passing by and I want to live in such a way that shows my utter dependence upon “my Father’s wise bestowment.”

So that’s my prayer this morning from my “new perch”. I do not know how long I will remain here, but I will find joy in these days, for they are fleeting.