Julie

I’m back. Maybe. It’s been a while. Lots of life and I guess different things came into the space I used to blog with. But tonight I wondered if writing might bring some healing.

There’s no way to re-cap the last 2 years here. But tonight I’m sitting here remembering one of the most surprising events of my life thus far.

Last year on this night, my brothers Joe and Kevin and I were around my sister Julie’s hospice bed, even as I type that right there, I can’t believe it’s true. But it is. We were coming to grips with the fact that although Julie was the most determined, competitive, full of life, never, ever quit anything in her life girl, she was losing a battle she had only begun to fight. How does a person come to  grips with this type of loss.

You don’t.

Your mind kind of shuts down, you’re busy doing the next thing, yet, it creeps in that you don’t know how to do this,

 how do you do this?

I remember sitting around her bed listening to songs, we each shared some that had become meaningful to us during Julie’s 4 ½ month illness with cancer. We shared as our phones played lines that spoke of God being with us, holding us, going before.

One song that I loved sent to me by my son Nate earlier in the journey spoke to me many times and that night especially. Here are the words and a link if you have time to take a listen.

He is with us. Love and the Outcome

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

We can trust our God
Always, always
We can trust our God
Always, always

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always
Our God is with us

 

So my sister Julie went to live in her eternal home in the night. That time of worship around her bed with our brothers has become quite sacred to me. I am not sure if I’ve learned a lot this past year. But I can tell you with absolute certainty these three things. There are more…but for tonight these three!

God is with us…He never left us, in fact I’ve learned more about Him, I’ve experienced more of Him, maybe that’s a better way to express it!

Though it might hurt now, we won’t be ruined. We are not ruined, not even close. We’re hurting, no doubt about it. Julie was a life that loved deeply. We hurt! But we are not ruined, we are learning to live a new way in so many ways, life is so much more precious.

God doesn’t need me to understand to accomplish His work in my life. It’s okay if I don’t “get it.” What a relief, because I don’t.  But He’s been faithful all the same; none of it depends on me. I am practicing walking by faith, not by sight.

Julie was a gift and she still is, I suspect that as I navigate the rest of my life here on earth without her, her absence will draw me closer to Jesus. That’s my prayer, anyway. I don’t expect understanding, just deeper relationship.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

So tonight I’m holding to a promise.

I know Him.

He’s always true to His word.

I’ve got an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison!

Amen!

Legacy

Yesterday, Kent and I were able to take a walk and part of our conversation came around to the word legacy. The reason for that is we are mourning with our friends the loss of their daughter, Carol. She met Jesus face to face on August 31 after a week-long hospital stay after an ATV accident. Carol touched our family in a variety of ways,  she was friend, babysitter, photographer, vacation-nanny, and supper-maker (she worked at our local Mancino's and had mastered all of their creations.)

So at 26 years old, Carol has left a legacy.

We have shared stories together as a family, Carol stories. They make us laugh. Carol was truly a one-of-a-kind.

Just tonight, one of my kids was commenting that with Carol, they always knew she cared about them. I would like that to be a part of my legacy.

 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!

Romans 11:33

I am struck once again how I cannot understand God's ways or figure out his paths. His word tells me to stop trying, because they are beyond tracing out. But His word also tells me that He loves, He cares, He created and most importantly for me, He knows, and He knew.



For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

I realize that when God created us, death wasn't part of the creation.

 Sin brought that.

Death feels wrong to me.

It was meant to.

I was created for so much more

and so was Carol.

There is a song at the end of one of the narnia movies, it is a beautiful reminder of what we were created for ...

sonship, daughters and sons of the King!

"There's a place for us"


We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe
It's written in the stars that shine above
A world where you and I belong where, faith and love will keep us strong
Exactly who we are is just enough
There's a place for us

When the water meets the sky
Where your heart is free and hope comes back to life
When these broken hands are whole again
We'll find what we've been waiting for, we were made for so much more
Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end


Today, Carol makes me long for heaven.

For home!

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis

Wherever I go? Wherever I go!!

In the last week a lot of life has swirled around me.

• Trent arrived home to cheers, balloons and hugs.
• I waved goodbye to my friend Jennifer with smiles, tears and hugs.
• Today I'm facing the giant

It seems on many levels that Isaiah is the healthiest kid in our house. I know I take him to specialist appointments (4 last year), but he went from physical to physical with no need for any intervention.

I forget his body is fighting a giant.

We give him a shot every night, to maximize his growth, but that has become so routine and it's just part of life. Every 4 months he needs a blood draw to monitor his levels, but we just do it and...

I forget his body is struggling in ways mine doesn't.

When I see him running around, playing with his siblings, swimming, jumping, doing every thing that every little boy does. I even forget that his hands are different. He's Isaiah, those are his hands.

I forget his body looks different and has been imprinted by the giant.

So all this to say on most days we are just doing life, minding our own business, enjoying every moment to the fullest. Trying to be like Isaiah!

But once a year we have to come face to face with the giant. In order to watch and monitor in the way that Isaiah needs it. We travel to Minnesota where he receives a bone marrow biopsy. We meet with his team of doctors and always learn more about the disease and get a closer picture of the foe.

It's surreal. Most of the time I don't give this diagnosis the time of day, but once a year we have to look deeper.

Kent and I were on a date last night and he asked me how are you feeling about Isaiah's appointment. I smiled and  said, "I'm not worried, I mean he's the healthiest kid in our house, but I guess sometimes I wonder, how will the time come when we realize it's time to take action. Time for the transplant. Will we go to an appointment and get the results that their is something going on in his marrow that requires us to prepare for the transplant."

We talked about it and agreed God is the One who knows those details and we can trust Him to provide for us on that day.

So as I reflect on my next few days.  From Monday morning around 7 until Wednesday morning around 7. Isaiah, Spencer and I will ride the S.S. Badger twice, rent a car and drive 10 hours. Kent will be flying. Isaiah will have his bone marrow biopsy at 10:00 Michigan time on Tuesday, we will meet with 3 doctors and hear any pertinent news on the giant.

I want to respond properly to these emotions and feelings and knowledge. So I reflect on what God has been saying in His word. I've seen this verse recently at least 3 times.

Joshua 1:9

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

This morning as I think on this verse...it's the wherever you go that is especially blinking boldly for me. Wherever I go. Wow do I love that promise. I've got a lot of places to go this week, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But wherever I go the one who defeats every giant is with me, and he knows that on occassion I need the gentle or not so gentle reminder that because He is with me, fear and dismay are not part of our arsenal.

He is all that I need and while I am at it, I need to make sure that Isaiah, Spencer and Will can observe in my life that I believe that with my whole heart, soul and mind.

Goodbyes

Most of us dislike goodbyes.

Last night some of my dearest friends gathered to say goodbye to a servant of God who has touched each of us very deeply. It was a teary, laughter filled evening. Filled with a gut-wrenching realization that this is reality.

Many of us had tried denial for as long as we possibly could. But the undeniable fact remained. God had answered our prayers and provided a job for this family. It's just that the job wasn't near us. The job required a major move.

Early on in the planning for last night, I determined that it wasn't going to be a sad thing, just an honoring thing. That planned failed, because it can't be both. I hadn't fully realized that until after the fact.

God is good and He graciously brought this person into our lives, "a gift". He allowed us to be blessed by her abilities, talents, humor and family for far longer than we deserved, and now He has called and South Dakota will become the beneficiary of this beautiful display of a heart that pursues Him.

I still cant' fully come to the realization that I won't have her in my life close by, but I have realized beautifully that goodbyes are part of a fallen world. I can cry over that.

Trent and his Worldview crew had to bid farewell to one of the faculty families last night. It was difficult. This morning a surprising gift that God had for me were the words of Sarah, one of the members of the team as she recorded her own thoughts and feelings regarding that goodbye. God allowed me to read Sarah's post and expand my vision for goodbyes, acknowledging the blessing tied up in the tears and the increased longing placed in each of us for heaven.


 "Dell tells students every week that laughing and crying is a response to irony - something that doesn't match what reality ought to be. My response to the irony of goodbyes and all the crying is that I'm gonna fight it, stop blubbering, and accept reality for what it is. I even tried to get Lauren Cook to stop crying at one point tonight, and I wiped away her tears with my thumbs.

Then it hit me. Don't stop crying! Cry hard. The goodbye is painful. It should be! This is good. Don't accept reality for what it is. "Goodbyes aren't normal." Don't be ashamed of the tears! They are salty, watery proof of the gift God has given us - friendship and family - and maybe the only way that I can truly say thank you and express the piercing brokeness of my heart is to let the tears flow. Maybe God rejoices when I keep my hand from brushing away the tear."

So this morning I am thanking God for the gift.

James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Fall apart!

Thursday morning, I had a moment.

Funny thing is, it’s rarely the BIG things in life that bring me to the end of me. It’s the 37^th little thing in a morning that causes a chink in the armor.

Scheduling has never been a natural strong suit of mine. I also married someone who prefers to pack the calendar to the fullest. So together we are a great combination as long as you both have the energy and stamina to “run the course”. I think I am improving in checking things out with God, but I know when I am starting to feel overwhelmed, stressed, like I can’t find enough chocolate to satisfy…quite possibly I’m running on my schedule again and have over stepped a healthy perspective regarding activities.

So last Thursday, the wheels were starting to come off the cart, and literally it was over nothing. I was waiting for one child to return from a lesson and the communication wasn’t clear on this matter. I needed to go pick another child up from the pig barn. So I ended up leaving the house to do a quick pig barn run, hoping that the other child wouldn’t be dropped off, assuming we were home and left there alone. (This child is one who tears up easily and loves drama, being treated like a princess and always has her stuff in a row, she’s 6.)

On my way to the pig barn, I was thinking and what I was thinking was…

                I’m done…

                                I’m ready for a down day…frankly maybe just a down 15 minutes…

                                                Why do I always find myself in this kind of fix…

                                                                                These were all good things….

I’m going to turn on the radio and look for a word of encouragement…

This is when I figured out one more time, that God enjoys speaking through songs.  I clicked on the radio and these were the first words I heard..

“How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

…and that’s when the tears came. Seriously, I wasn’t sobbing, there were children in the car and that tends to frighten them. But I knew I was a casualty to my own set of plans. But what was so sweet about the words of that song, was once again, knowing God’s mercy. He knew how I’d gotten to this point, but He was letting me know that even there, especially there, He was going to start something new.

Here is the full song by Josh Wilson that I continued to listen to that morning:

Why in the world did I think I could

Only get to know You when my life was good?

When everything just falls in place

The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel You now more than I did then

How can I come to the end of me

And somehow still have all I need?

God, I want to know You more

Maybe this is how it starts

I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand

We got nothing to bring but empty hands

Nothing to hide and nothing to prove

Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

I don't know how long this will last

I'm praying for the pain to pass

But maybe this is the best thing

That has ever happened to me

So Thursday, was a great day in a different way than I planned.   He wasn’t finished speaking, because later that afternoon I picked up a magazine while I was fulfilling my life guard duties at the pool. The title was, “Getting off the Hamster Wheel”.  A quote by Dr. Kevin Lehman resonated with my listening heart that day.

“Keeping your child off the activity wheel and focused on your home and values builds in your child a strong character, a foundation of belonging, and a very high chance that he or she will grow into a healthy, caring and mature adult. Now that’s a distinct advantage that lasts a lifetime.”   --It’s Your Kid, Not a Gerbil

I am grateful that God meets me in my failures and foibles and that He shows me a path for moving on and up!

I am grateful for those times when I come to the end of me!

I am grateful for pools, parks, summer, fun, Bible study, dr. appointments, art class, pig barn chores, gardens,the child training Bible , weeds, children and llllllaundry (there I said it) because sometimes, all of these great things actually bring me to the end of me, and that can be a great place to start!

Isaiah 40:30-31 Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint

Battle

Today was a busy day, but in spite of the activity or actually because of it God gave me a living example of what's really important. I'm used to a variety of those life lessons coming through children. Most of the time they are mine. But today was different today, I met Katie.

I had left my house at 10:00 this morning dropping one boy off to farm with Kent. 3 kids to Grandma at the lake and 1 was with my dad helping to assist in the moving day at my parent's house. That left me with two and we made tracks.

Around 2:30 this afternoon after we had been to Muskegon for 1 appointment and made a mad dash for Grand Rapids for another. We had been at Isaiah's hemotologist appointment for an hour and a half. Isaiah and I  were escorted to the play room while we waited for his blood results and some other papers to link his health care providers together. I was playing with Isaiah when a little girl came bounding up to us.

"Hi," she blurted out, "my name is Katie!"

Katie was dressed in a pink plaid dress, pink tights, and for added flair she had a multi colored tu-tu around her waist and was sporting a pair of those plastic, dress up shoes that clip-clop when you walk.

"Hi, Katie," I grinned at her, "I loooovvvveee your shoes, they are so sparkly."

"Thank you," she beemed. "How old is he?" she inquired as she looked at Isaiah.

"He's 5" I replied, "How old are you?"

"I'm 4, " was her swift reply.  "Can I play with him?"

"Sure, that would be so great, wouldn't it Isaiah?" they both smiled at each other.

Katie sat down and then she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, framed by her sweet curls and she stopped my breath with her next statment.

"I am done with my chemo for today?" she said so happily.

"Wow, Katie, that's great, how did it go?" I asked as I wanted to cry.

"It went great." as she looked down concentrating on the game she and Isaiah were playing.

Katie's mom entered the play room  and was occupied with getting her things together, I imagined it had been a long day for them. She got out Katie's real shoes and asked her to put them on. Katie put up a bit of a fuss.

"But, mom I just started to play with Isaiah." she pleaded.

Another health care provider entered the room and was talking with Katie's mom and said she was sorry, but she didn't have Katie's count yet.

Katie quipped from the floor, "What's a count?"

The two women kept talking and Isaiah and Katie kept playing. I was an observer trying to understand this scene in front of me.

I was struck by Katie's amazing, little personality that I had known for like 5 minutes. But I was sure delighted with this creature, she had spunk, a beautiful spirit and amazing fashion sense!

I prayed for Katie and her mom as they finished getting ready and left the play room. I prayed that they knew Jesus and that if they did they were both able to display the joyful, peace they had because of all that He was giving to them at this difficult time.

On the way home in the car, I heard the song by Chris August, called Battle.

There's a battle between good and evil
And it's raging inside of me
There's a struggle, it's God and the devil
It's love against the enemy

Oh no, I'm not giving up now, Oh

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won

There's a snake that's hiding in the garden
There's a beautiful apple tree
There is trouble on the horizon
But I'm claiming victory

Oh no, I'm not giving in now, Oh
Life's a fight of wrong and right
That's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won

Won
Won
Mmmmm
Woooahhhhh
I'm not giving up now
Woooahhhhh
I'm not giving in

Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart
Oh but what the cross has done
Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart
But the war is already won
Won
Won

I was reminded that although my heart longs for peace, this world is in a battle. But because of the cross the war is already won!!  I prayed for Katie again that she would keep fighting, that God would use that girl for His Kingdom and that she would know she was created not just for this world, but for another, that is far greater and to be enjoyed for so much longer.

 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.” 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

So grateful today, for a girl named Katie, for the picture she was to me of joy in suffering, (she didn't have any idea she was suffering). I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who listens to my questions and wonderings and shows me flashes of heaven here on earth!

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis

It's a root thing!

One of the blessings of being a "city girl" married to a farmer, is that at 43 you can still be amazed at the things any farm kid figured out when they were 5.

For example, last week Kent commented as we were driving out of our driveway.

"Wow, see how green the corn looks? "

I wasn't entirely sure I saw a difference, but said, "Yeah?"  Just so I could hear what was behind the question.

"You can tell the roots have reached the fertilizer." replied the seasoned farmer.

I asked, "What do you mean, it reached the fertilizer?"

"When we plant the corn, the planter places fertilizer two inches under the seed, and when the seed grows and the roots hit the fertilizer, you notice a difference in the plant. It goes from a green/yellow color to a deep green." He explained. (I think he enjoys explaining these kinds of things to a "clueless one".

I found that particular piece of information fascinating. I mean, who thinks this stuff up? Whoever invented the machine that knows where to place the fertilizer to make the plants grow. Genius!!

As I have been pondering this new farm fact, I knew there was a spiritual application for me, there are  probably more than one. But this is the one that came to me today.

On Sunday, Trent shared with our church before his departure for Worldview Academy. www.worldview.org He shared from Psalm 139, and the portion that stood out to Trent is the one that I've thought about since Sunday.

   My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
     your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

So when I was "planted" God put the fertilizer within my reach, it would take me growing to reach it, but when I do, I shine forth the evidence of his work in my life. The evidence that, He knew all of my days before one of them came to  be.

I've also realized that the things that make my roots grow deep are quite often the things I am not ready to receive enthusiastically. They are sometimes things that look scary, ugly and uncertain, but then my roots hit the fertilizer. My roots hit the amazing presence of God that was always there, but there is a comfort and growth only He can give and it was there all the time. I just needed to stretch to enjoy this fellowship that came in a dark place.

Take mono for instance, I'm still learning things from that experience. I have no idea why that illness was my daily life for so long, but I don't spend much time thinking about that, because the fellowship that I found, when so much was removed, perhaps caused my roots to hit some new fertilizer. Amazing!!!

James reminded me of the mystery of trials and the outcome that is available to us.

James 1:2-4
 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,    because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.    Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I think if perserverance were a color it would be green. Evidence that the roots are going deep and drinking in all that the Creator intended, so that in the end...nothing is lacking!!

God is so good that way, using my boy's departure and a baby stalk of corn to show me once again how BIG He is, how He has thought of everything!!